A look back on 2021… The hardest year of my Life
I am struggling. I have emotions and feeling that I don’t know how to put a name on. I have seen so many reels about this being “the happiest year of my life” but in my reality it was the hardest year of my life. 2021 may be coming to an end, but my pain has not and with it 2022 is starting and I am scared of what this new year will bring. I am going to try and focus on God because I know he has a plan for me, I know he will guide me through.
2021 started with my Husband and I still newlyweds and moving into our new home! We had a blast unpacking and starting the renovations that we planned to make this older house like new. In April we started our floors and by the summer the entire first level had brand new vinyl and a powder bath that we did by hand. The extended patio was next and a signed contract for all new windows was filed the last month of 2021. I am excited to finally add the back covering that will now be done over the summer thanks to the new windows and my long-awaited master bath in the new year. 2022 goals already!
We celebrated my 22nd birthday like it was my last because I planned to be a Mom on my next. Brandon had never been to Myrtle Beach before and I was more than happy to take him on his first vacation there. Work was the same, I tried my best and enjoyed seeing my coworker friends everytime I would visit a branch. Brandon worked hard and nonstop doing what he loves with his best friend. We started the summer off with my first ever “real” camping trip and discussions of a family. I wanted to wait until the Fall. I told him I wanted to try around hid birthday because I had a specific month in mind, but I woke up one morning and was ready. I don’t knownwhat happened or why, but we did it.
In July the girls trip I had planned went from Savannah to in town. I thank God for making that happen because the final day of the gals weekend I found out I was pregnant for the very first time! I thought I would be nervous, but instead I was shocked because I was not expecting it and totally in love. It lasted for 24 hours and Brandon and I experienced our first loss. July definitely took us out of the Honeymoon faze. We were devastated, but I don’t think I really processed my first miscarriage until my second.
I went on the rest of the summer like normal. I mean obviously I wasn’t fine but I was kind of lying to myself. In August we went on our annual Carowinds trip which is by far one of my favorite times of the year! There we unexpectedly became pregnant again. We were over the moon, I was cautious, but I felt like everything was okay… up until my second appointment and then I kind of knew. Somewhere inside of me. By the end of September we had said goodbye to our 2nd baby and I felt like I was dying on the inside. My day to day life hasn’t been effected, but I have my moments. One of them is right now, as I am typing out this New Year’s blog.
In October my Husband and I celebrated a huge milestone in our relationship, our one year Wedding Anniversary. This was hard. Trying to make up for the loss of our babies by holding expectations for a day that would make it all better was just wrong. It was part of my grieving process, part of learning about myself and the pain that came with it. Since I have tried putting my ficus back on God and what his plans are for me. Instead of relying on things that I know in the end are going to fail me.
I am scared of what 2022 will bring. Most would think that I would be so ready for 2021 to end and 2022 to begin given everything that we have been through. I feel like I am in limbo because I don’t know how to feel. Yes, this year was brutal. I also believe everything happens for a reason and God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I learned more, loved harder, and matured immensely this past year. I was taken from being a young adult to a full on ADULT. I woulnt’t take any of it back, through all the heartache because I will meet my babies someday. The New Year is tomorrow… and I can’t put a name on the emotion that I feel towards it. We were supposed to bring our babies home this year, but we won't. Dwelling in that isn’t healthy, I have only thought of it a handful of times. I can’t say that I am ready for the New Year because I feel like I should leave 2021 in 2021, but that isn’t reality. The pain from this year will always be with me, it is just not letting the grief of the year control me. I have know idea what the New Year will bring, but I am putting it in God’s hands. I know he will bring me peace for the reservations I have going in, he will settle my nerves and lesson the twinge of the year 2021.
My goal is to find the joy in bringing in the New Year. For my fear to dissipate as the clock strikes down and the ball drops. I don’t really have a resolution, but more of a hope going in to 2022 and faith walking thought it.