Finding out I'm Pregnant - After a Loss: Recurrent Miscarriages

August 28th, 2021 - I was TRYING to relax on the couch with my Husband when I just got the urge to take a Pregnancy test that I had been putting it off for a few days. He had been nagging me about it, but I knew after the tragedy we had suffered not even 2 month prior, I wanted to put it off for as long as possible. You know that saying that mothers “knew I was pregnant” This could not have been more true for myself in that moment. I told Brandon this and he finally convinced me to go upstairs and take the last clear blue line test that I had left over from tadpoles untimely loss. Not even 10 seconds after I had “done my business” a cross appeared in the results window. I went to wipe and looked over and there it was. I couldn’t tell you how or what I felt in the mere moments after that. I mean I knew I was pregnant. I could feel it in my bones, but it was so hard to accept or believe because of how soon after our loss. Seconds later I hear Brandon barreling up the stairs and I panicked. like NO he can’t see the positive test like this! I quickly flip the test over on the counter and tell him I haven’t looked at it yet. He tries to grab it and I snatch it up and go into the Bedroom where I hide it underneath the blanket. We are both sitting there, him waiting and me fidgeting to turn my camera on. when I finally let him grab the test a stupid pillow was in front of his face so I really didn’t get to see his full reaction, but he was definitely smiling. He even accused me of not peeing on the stick and that this was an old one from July. I honestly thought that it was going to be negative because the last Clear Blue test that I had taken was negative when I had 3 positive First Response. I was definitely not expecting a positive. (Turns out it was positive because the amount of HCG in my system was much higher than it was with Tadpole) We go back downstairs and I become restless. I couldn’t take it and really didn’t believe it. So I went upstairs and took a clear Blue digital Test… PREGNANT lit up on the screen. I was smiling and happy but was for sure not going to get my hopes up.

The next morning I started documenting my pregnancy journey that started with my last digital clear blue. Yet again I received another positive. I was becoming really anxious and impatient for the morning to come so I could call my OB. I was able to get an appointment the day after. Tuesday August 31st. There the little bit of hope that I had kind of dissipated. I tried to stay numb again because I didn’t want to be depressed. I was told by my concerned sweet and letting me down easy doctor that they needed to take bloodwork to determine if this is a new pregnancy. We were all unsure about the outcome because I hadn’t gotten a negative pregnancy test since the miscarriage (because I never took another test after I found out I was having a miscarriage, that is depressing and those tests are not cheap) I had yet to have my first cycle after the loss, and we had no idea when I would have ovulated. Literally breaking my heart. The one really nice thing that came out of this appointment was that I received the entire sample box of prenatal vitamins that lasted me an entire month. I called Brandon with the news, obvious disappointment rang through the phone, but all we could do at that point was wait. The entirety of Wednesday’s work day was a jumble of nerves and fidgety hands. My stomach was in nots and I was so done with the waiting. I tried calling LabCorp and their menu gave a website that you could get your results. I logged in and immediately clicked the yesterday’s date. My results shown through. My HCG level was at 5079 on Tuesday afternoon. According to the online portal. Disbelief was my first reaction… then excitement. I tried to hide my smile because I was not going to believe it until I spoke with my doctor. Around 4pm I called and i was told that they had yet to receive my results, which was odd because if I could see them online that means that my Physician should have already had them too. I thanked her and went back to work. Just as we were closing up the branch for the day I get a call from my doctor who tells me she does have my results which happen to be in the 5 thousands. I hear the enthusiasm and I think even her surprise over the phone when she tells me that they were checking to make sure my levels were above 2500, which they obviously were way above. She continues by telling me that I no longer need to go get blood work done for the two scheduled times for the following days and to come in on Tuesday September 7th for my first ultrasound. This ultrasound was to determine how far along I am in my pregnancy's because at this point no one knew when this happened. (Although Brandon and I thought it was Carowinds and determined to be right.)

I have always imagined surprising Brandon on his Birthday with my pregnancy. I even went as fast as buying a card telling him I am Pregnant, before I knew I was pregnant. I ordered it before I took the positive test. That was how sure I was. I was afraid that having taken the test early and with Brandon there, it would ruin the surprise. But I found away to make it work. With his Birthday being that up coming Saturday, September 4th; I surprisingly hid my blood results from him for 3 days! I do not know how I did it. He told me that he had a feeling that I was definitely pregnant with all of the symptoms that I was having, which I was very surprised at too because these came on 10x stronger than the one before. (This is because my HCG was much much higher this time around than the other)I was supposed to have my second blood draw Thursday morning and I had to fib and went shopping instead. I felt bad, but I mean I wanted it to be special for him so badly. Thursday and Friday I had taken off of work because we had a concert in Charleston Thursday and drove home Friday. Thankfully we were with his mother as well, this made it easier for me to hide because I didn’t want her knowing either. Of course my off and on nausea and tiredness did not help at all! I was hungry the entire time and nausea kicked in any time my stomach was the slightest bit empty. I kept it together and Saturday finally rolled around! Early that morning after Brandon finally woke up I handed him a gift bag with “Best Gift ever” written on it. He grabbed the card that I had bought him from Amazon that had a scratch off heart. Inside the heart I had written “I AM DEFINITELY PREGNANT *SURPRISE” He opened the card and read the sweet messages I had written as Baby C and myself, called me a liar and then proceeded to smile like an idiot who just got a million dollars. Seeing the look on his face and the glow in his eye made the wait so worth it. I know I have said this one hundred times but this is all he has ever wanted and being able to give him this is definitely the BEST GIFT EVER! He pulled out a small wooden picture frame with “hello little one” carved. In the frame I made a sign saying “Baby C Coming Soon” This frame I had actually purchased the day I found out I was Pregnant with Tadpole and Brandon never new I had it.

The rest of the weekend dragged on! We went to the lake on Sunday and I was dying for Tuesday to come so I could see my baby! At my appointment I went in for a Vaginal Ultrasound and I was not able to facetime Brandon because it was “internal” which he thought was weird lol (don’t ask) Due to the new strain of Covid the Office has gone back to masks and no visitors, which I completely understand, but leeway on the other restrictions I think should be given. That is besides the point. The technician is looking around clicking away on her computer and snapping photos of what she sees. She tells me that it is too early to hear a heartbeat and therefore I cannot take home any photos because they do not allow it until the heartbeat is audible. This crushed me! The Yolk Sac was visible and in the correct place, but a fetus was not yet discernable. I was taken back to an exam room where the PA met me and gave me the details of my Ultrasound. I was measuring 5weeks and 4days as of September 7th and that my estimated due date is May 6th. (An estimate because they have to wait until I became further along, hear the heartbeat and see clearer pictures before they can be definitive) The entire time I could glimpse the ultrasound pictures on the few sheets of paper she had in her hand. I wanted to snatch it and look at my baby so bad! I know it is just a white spec, but I honestly do not care. After the tragedy of Tadpole. I really needed reassurance to feel safe and confident in this Pregnancy. I was scared and was pretty much promised to take home photos and to see Baby C, neither of which happened. Other than the couple of peaks I got as the papers moved in her hand. I no it isn’t anyone’s fault and my emotions ran high during that time. I was disappointed and let down when I was expecting something anticipating it for almost an entire week and then to have that not come to fruition broke me. I went home and balled. After a few hours and a good night sleep I woke up with a more optimistic view of things. I was determined to go into this as I am PREGNANT! I will be having this baby in 8 months! I will be a Mom and Brandon will get his dream of being a Father! My next appointment was set for my mid 7th week of Pregnancy and mid September. 2 weeks from the last appointment. I kid you not, I felt like I wasn’t going to make it that long! It was set for this time to make sure they could hear the heartbeat, give me photos, and a definitive due date. By the way if the measurements are right and I am due May 6th, Carowinds was the winner! The first time we tried again after the miscarriage. That trip was when we planned on trying in the first place so it was nostalgic for us and went for it. We are blessed that Baby C came at such a special time for us. Also surprising is that I knew I was pregnant at 3 weeks! I took the first Positive test at 3 weeks 6 days and started documenting at 4weeks without even realizing. I am grateful that my symptoms are so strong because it gives me peace knowing that this time it is different.

Finding out I am Pregnant again after loosing one baby was bittersweet. I miss Tadpole with all of my heart. Conceiving right after that baby's is a weird feeling. Im happy and excited but more cautious. I am so ready to carry this little love and to eventually meet them this side of Heaven. This is my Pregnancy after miscarriage introduced. Soon I will be releasing our Family reactions and many many Pregancy updates! I am so excited for this journey and happy to take you all along with me!

October 1st- Obviously this was written before my next Ultrasound where I was told I was yet again having a miscarriage. This pregnancy was for sure an accident. Not expected, but heavily accepted. We were more than excited. Unfortunately this ended in another tragedy for reasons we aren’t sure of as yet. This post will be followed up by my appointment where everything went down hill and the week after it. It spiraled.

It's National Miscarriage Awareness Month and I want to do my part in making it known. Share my stories. Feel like I can breath again. And grieve for my 2 beautiful babies in Heaven.

Tadpole - July 12 (due March 9th 2022)

Baby Pea Head pt.2 - September 23 (due date May 6th 2022)

I love you ❤