My Miscarriage Story: Finding out less than 24 hours before

As you all know from the title… I have had a miscarriage. July was one of the hardest months of my life. Brandon and I had to face one of the most difficult outcomes of a beautiful thing. This was something that neither him or I have ever had to face before. The struggle to find composure while in the Emergency room, choosing to go numb while walking into my OB's Office. Letting Brandon take care of me when I am usually the one taking care of him. (As far as household chores and getting up to retrieve or putting away things) I am not used to sitting down and doing nothing. I felt like I had to do something. This struggle is the hardest challenge that Brandon and I have had to face together. Our Marriage, Relationship, and love for each other has come out stronger. I respect and love my man more than I ever have. He took charge, he became my rock in a situation that I had never been in before. It all felt surreal, I could not belive that it was all happening. Not even 24 hours after I took my first Positive Pregnancy test, I began to bleed…

But let me start from the beginning. This past February Brandon and I decided to start trying to conceive in the upcoming month of August, about 7 months away from then. Brandon had wanted a baby since before we were even engaged and before our Wedding he would ask me all the time if I wanted to have one. My answer was no, because mainly I wasn’t ready and secondly I wanted to be Married first. So finally October 15, 2020 rolled around and we said I Do. Again he asked if I wanted to make a baby. I said No. I still wasn’t ready, I wanted to enjoy our Honeymoon, our first year of Marriage, I wanted to enjoy just him. And I refused to have a child in the small Townhome we then lived in. (I know people manage with much less, this was just my choice) Sooo we bought a Home! Again he asked if I wanted to make a baby. I said No not yet, let’s get this house fixed up first. We started our home remodeling.

I don’t remember when or what changed, but as the days and times went on the more and more I started to think about being a family. I really wanted to see Brandon as a Father and I day dreamed about it all the time. I found myself stopping in the baby section every time I would go to the store. I even brought home a onesie with a Firetruck on it! And a baby blanket. At this point I made a plan and brought it to Brandon. Baby making starts in August! We made a countdown and Brandon was so excited! Of course that never really stopped him from continuously asking me if I wanted to make a baby.

At the end of May 2021, I thought that I was pregnant. My breasts were tender and I was gaining weight again and my cycle was late by an entire week, which never happens. Turns out that I wasn’t. I was actually pretty disappointed. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted it until that moment. One day Brandon came home from the store and I was sitting at our bar while he cooked or unpacked groceries, I don’t really remember. There I told him that I was ready. The smile on his face is something that I will never forget. June became baby making month, our first month and our first attempt at trying. And it worked…

In the beginning of July I started to feel funny, my breasts were tender, but I thought that was just because I was cleaning the house without a bra on. The week I took the pregnancy test, I started spotting. It was also the week my cycle was supposed to begin. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning everytime I would go to the bathroom dark blood would be on my tissue. But it never dripped and never like came out other than when I wiped. That was my biggest sign. That weekend I had planned a gals trip months in advance, but the Hurricane messed up our plans so we adjusted to having fun here in town. Had a game night Friday, my friend trimmed my hair because my split ends were horrendous. Saturday we went to breakfast, got our toes done, saw a movie, grabbed dinner and watched a movie back at my house. I even bought a baby photo frame from Hobby Lobby because I subconsciously knew I was pregnant. Saturday night after the girls left, Brandon was downstairs playing his game and I told him I was going #2. That white lie was actually me taking a pregnancy test. I wasn’t planning on taking the test that night. I wanted to wait until the morning, but I just could not. I thought I had messed up and the test wasn’t going to take or work. I really didn’t have to pee at the time and only got like 3 drops on the stick, so I stopped recording. I forgot what test I had gotten so I bent down under the cabinet and started to read the directions seeing if it was a rapid test or the 6 days sooner. When I leaned up I glimpsed at the test and it was like my eyes were playing tricks on me. It hadn’t even been 2 minutes of the 3 minute wait time. I pressed the record button on my phone and just stared at the control line and the tiny faint straight red line that was forming next to it. I literally watched as the test turned positive. I was in shock in more ways than one. Seeing as I barely peed on it, we had been trying for only 4 weeks, had only gone through one ovulation cycle. I was dumbfounded at how fast it happened. I was excited and nervous and so unbelievably happy. There was a baby in my tummy! I was crying and feeling where my baby was supposed to be and just over the moon in the surrealness of the moment. Ten seconds after I stopped recording Brandon came upstairs to ask if I was still pooping, because I never take that long. I answered yes while my voice was still shaking! I hid the test under the counter in a white bin that my headbands and scrunchies were in. I remember running back in forth from getting undressed to turning on the water for the shower to grabbing a towel, just checking the test over and over and over again making sure that it was real. And also trying not to get caught while Brandon was finishing his game downstairs. I fell asleep that night with my face hurting from smiling and holding my stomach so my baby would feel me loving them. (I know they can’t actually feel that this early)

The next morning at like 7:30 Brandon left for work and I shot straight out of bed into the bathroom and peed on another stick! What do you know it was positive! I played on my phone for awhile, did a workout, and cleaned up my house before I left for Perfect Health to get it confirmed. It was a Sunday Morning and nothing was open, but I needed a doctor to tell me that it was real. I get to the back and take a urine test. They did 2 dip tests and the doctor came in and told me that it was definitely faint, but she was going to call it positive and that it means that it is just really really early in the pregnancy. She also gave me some do's and don'ts and to follow up with my OB. She also stated that I was probably about 5 and a half weeks going off of my last Menstrual Cycle. After that I went shopping. Don’t worry I was good. I only bought more tests and some Tylenol because all I take is Excedrine and that is a big no no during pregnancy. I got home and had no idea what to do with myself. I did research on my phone watched pregnancy videos, thought about ways to tell Brandon. (I planned on telling him Monday night when he came home from work) Downloaded Pregancy apps which told me that my baby was shaped like a tadpole at the moment and there came the baby's nickname. I also tried to figure out the due date, which would have been March 9, 2022 and supposedly had been conceived on June 16th.

. Around 3pm I got up to get ready for my brother’s House warming dinner and I realized that I started bleeding. I thought that it was maybe implantation bleeding so I put toilet paper in my underwear and left the house. I remember feeling like slightly crampy while laying in bed but it went away. I remember holding my stomach and saying everything is okay, God be with us on the way to my brothers. About an hour later I started to cramp constantly and I went to the bathroom a lot throughout dinner and realized that I was still bleeding. Not heavier but I knew in my heart that it was getting worse. I was ready to go home. While everyone was standing around in the kitchen slowly heading for the door I went to the bathroom again and balled! I was terrified and had know idea what to do. I thought about telling my mom, but everyone else was there and if I was freaking out over nothing, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. So I left and pretty much immediately started crying again and called the only person that I could think of. A friend who’s boyfriends mom works in an OB office. I called her, barely able to get a sentence out, and so mad at myself because I was telling people other than my Husband who still didn’t know. The rest of the drive home I repeated over and over through tears, God please protect my Baby! God please protect my baby! She met me at my house and we talked to the qualified wonderful woman on the phone. She told me to keep my feet up, drink lots of water, and to rest. Of course the conversation was more than that, but that is all I am giving. I called my boss next and told her what was going on and said that I wasn't coming in to work the next day do to bleeding in my early pregnancy. Again I was mad that I had to tell another person and my Husband still didn’t know. I remember leaning on the edge of my bed and saying let’s go to the fire station. I needed to tell Brandon. He needed to know, especially if something was very very wrong. My friend and I came up with a cute idea and she pretty much did everything, her artistic abilities are more than mine could ever be!

All the way to the Fire house I kept thinking about what was going to happen. I felt horrible and so mad that I was telling him this way. It wasn’t the way I imagined it or the way I wanted to do it. I mean the set up and doing it at the firehouse was cool, but having to be rushed and the reason for doing it was all wrong. I was basically telling my husband he might be a DAD. I had to tell him I was pregnant and then immediately tell him I was bleeding. Like that is insane. I calmed myself down and tried to put myself in a good mood. I wanted to be excited and feel the way that I felt when I initially found out, but that wasn’t the case. We made it and my friend and I set the firefighter onesie, a sign, and the pregnancy tests on the hood of his car. I then texted him to come outside because we had brought him some ice cream. (That is what we told him we were doing together) He came outside and the look on his face when he saw the car and then looked at my belly that said ETA March 2022, I will never forget that smile. That wholesome shocked look on his face. He was finally getting what he wanted for so long. Unfortunately it did not last long. I told him what was going on and we stood out there smiling as best we could, thinking positive, and holding each other relishing in the fact that we made a baby. Our first baby. Brandon told me he spent the whole night doing research and thinking about us and just being so happy. But was clouded by the bleeding, he saw this stuff happen to often not to know the most likely outcome.

I went to bed that night with my feet up, my hands on my stomach, and a smile on my face. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders now that Brandon knew and we were in this together. When I woke up I took another pregnancy test because Brandon asked me to. I noticed that I was still bleeding and I felt a gush come out. I had hope because that 3rd at Home pregnancy test had a much darker line than the ones from the day before and the day before that. I had hope everything was okay. I called my OB and that is when everything kind of turned. She didn’t sound very sympathetic on the phone and it seemed like she just wanted me off her line. She told me that they were completely booked this week and that since I was bleeding I needed to go to the ER and she hung up. I was freaked. I started crying again and I called my friend. She rushed over and we called the sweet lady who helped me last night because I wanted a second opinion. She told me to do what they said and that no matter what it was a good idea so we would know what was going on either way. Which I agreed with wholeheartedly. I called Brandon and let him know and then I kind of went numb. I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to hold on to false hope, I just wanted it to be over.

July 12th, Monday morning

My friend and I got to the ER around 9am something, checked in and sat in the waiting room. Brandon and his partner, who happens to be the OB office workers son and my Friends boyfriend, were working on the ambulance that day and were otw to drop a patient off at the hospital, said that they were gonna come check on me. Directly after I was called to triage where I told them again what happened and blood and the normal work up was done. After this I went back out to the waiting room where Brandon had literally just arrived. We sat for a long while just staring at the floor, making small talk and trying not to think about what was happening. Brandon and his partner left after about an hour and I went to the bathroom. I don’t know what time it was but I noticed that the blood was like a deep bright red and I noticed small black like gewy peices on my tissue and in the toilet. My heart dropped. But I refused to cry. I went numb again. I came back and I had sent a photo to Brandon and then I was pretty much immedialty called back for an ultrasound. We are going to skip the details, but they were basically looking for the uterus, the ovaries, a tube, and the fetus. Silent tears ran down my face while it was happening, but by the end I somehow felt better because the lady doing the procedure had a smile on her face the entire time. I guess she is a pretty good actress.

I was wheelchaired back to the waiting room where I started to tell my friend what they did, when Brandon and his partner came back in and told us they put the ambulance out of service and was here to stay. My Husband said he felt like a weight was lifted after he came back and knew he didn’t have to worry about work and knew he needed to be right there with me. I felt horrible and I knew he was right he needed to be with me, but I had just never been through something like this and felt horrible that others were sitting in silence for hours waiting for me to be tested and results to be given. I remember my friend showing me a text that I really really did not want to read about if it happens to be a miscarriage, but I already knew it was. I just wasn’t admitting it to myself. I leaned on Brandon and stayed numb staring at the floor until once again I had to Pee. He walked me to the Bathroom because I was feeling light headed and sick. I went in and wiped and looked at the toilet and knew that was it! I started blubbering. I couldn’t stay numb anymore. I knew what was happening and I was devastated. Angry that I couldn't protect my baby. Furious that I didn’t even have time to enjoy and celebrate before fear and pain took over. Now I look back and am grateful that it happened so fast. There was less physical pain, but I am not really sure if less emotional is a thing. No matter how early my pregnancy was, as soon as those 2 lines shown through… I was in love. I was a Mom. No matter your opion or when or what or how you think you become a mother or if your baby is viable. I was pregnant there for I was carrying a baby therefore I was a mother to a sweet tiny little tadpole.

After a few minutes I pulled myself together as much as I could and walked out of the bathroom. I told Brandon and I have know idea what he was thinking. But I can only imagine. This is something he has wanted for so long and it was disappearing so fast. Time passed and I finally got a room that happened to be a closet set up for overflow. I layed on the bed and Brandon was leaning over holding me as best he could and him telling me to stop crying because if I didn't he was going to and he doesn’t cry. We talked about our little one and how badly I wanted it and I know that we could try again but it isn’t the same. I lost our first child. Our first baby. I know that it isn’t my fault. The doctor came in later and explained that yes, it was an early miscarriage and that these things happen. That the genetics just aren’t compatible. The fertilized egg could not sustain itself. The colors that I had been passing earlier was probably the little bit of baby that was trying to form. After the doctor left I felt weird. I was like on an emotional Rollercoaster. Sometimes I was okay and then others I wasn’t. We came home and I took a shower and thought I was going to let it all out, but I coldnt’t cry. My tears just wouldn’t come. I thought this was so weird because as I was getting undressed I saw the ETA March 2022 still written on my stomach. It didn’t feel real, what was happening. I went downstairs to eat, but barley ate a thing. My stomach was still cramping and I was still bleeding and I felt sick. Brandon told me that his parents knew. Apparently his dad had seen me in the ER sometime during the 6 hours that we were there. (He works for the hospital) At that point I felt like I needed to go ahead and tell my family. I kind of wanted to get it over with. I called my mom and that was that. I started to get messages and phone calls throughout the rest of the afternoon from Family checking on us. Which was sweet. I felt loved, but also a little weird. They kept asking me how I was emotionally and in the moment I was fine. But then the drop of a hat a blink of an eye and I wasn’t. Brandons parents stopped by too and brought us chocolate and flowers. To add to the chocolate flowers and Teddy bear that our friends had given us. Now the teddy bear is known as Tadpole. I cannot tell you the amount of nights I held that bear so close to my heart looking for some comfort. Trying to compensate for the loss like the bear actually was Tadpole. Brandon and I watched movies into the night and he layed on my stomach. I knew that I needed to be his rock too. I made him laugh by asking him if he was trying to get closer to Tadpole. He buried himself into me. I cannot name the feelings that were coursing through me. This strong man was hurting just as much as me. Even if he woudln’t admit it. He lost Tadpole too. He was a Father for less time than I knew I was a mother and having to be strong for me. I am the one that is usually always good in a crisis. This time Brandon was. (I mean he kind of has to be with the line of work that he is in)

That night I cried myself to sleep in Brandons arms, squeezing my bear, and singing Jesus Loves Me. Said silent prayers asking God to take care of our baby and I knew that Tadpole just wasn’t meant to be here on earth with us. No matter how much we wish they would have been. Tadpole is safe in the arms of Jesus and is walking streets of Gold. I woke up to text messages from family praying for my appointment that morning with my OB. (My friend and I called the OB office lady and she was able to get me an appointment at her office because mine wasn’t able to get me in until Friday.) Brandon kept trying to get me out of bed, but I needed a minute. I knew that after this appointment it was pretty much official, as if the day before didn’t make that clear. I went numb again. Getting dressed, driving to the office, and waiting. After I was called back and they started to talk to me about what had happend and gave me reassurance and talked to me about the situation in detail and then did my physical and new blood work I somehow left the appointment feeling better than I had in days. I somewhat felt like myself. I can only owe that to God for bringing me peace in the form of an informative doctor who’s composure and personality made me feel safe and okay. I went home with a feeling of loss and love and knowing that we were going to make it. I felt more loved than I had in a very long time. Brandon had been my rock, my confidant, my everything in those days. He showed me compassion and held me without being asked. It was like he knew exactly what I needed and I can only thank God for that too! I just hope that I was the same for him.

Since then I think about Tadpole all of the time. I made a scrapbook of everything that we have of them. The pregancy tests, the sign we used to tell Brandon we were expecting, and the numerous photos that we took. My first day back to work and the days following I took the Tadpole teddy bear literally everywhere for comfort. I needed something to hold onto because I wasn't ready to let go. I remember my second day back to work I was letting an older couple into their safe deposit box and the older man asked if I was pregnant. I lost it. Right there in front of them while I was working. I was embarrassed and mortified that I couldn’t control my emotions. They understood of course and apologized profusely. I kind of feel bad for.that old man because his wife tore him a new one.

I am so grateful to have known and be excited and elated about Tadpole for roughly 18 hours. I thank God that we know that we are so fertile and able to conceive quickly. I am happy that through this horrible experience Brandon and I became closer in our relationship. The amount of love and respect I have for my man is endless. I am so blessed to have true friends who come at the drop of one tear and to have family who care beyond words. I am sharing my story because that is what I do. I am a writer. I talk out or write out my feelings, my emotions, my experiences. Not necessarily for an audience or to help in anothers situation, although that is a bonus, but I do it for me. This is how I cope. This is the gift that God has given to me. Thank you for listening/reading about one of the hardest things I have ever endured. I know that it has only made me stronger.

To my baby.

We love and miss you so so so very much. I cannot wait to meet you some far off day (hopefully) then your parents will have siblings for you and a whole heap of family that you will welcome into heaven. I know you are playing with your cousins and aunts and uncles and Jesus on the streets of Gold. And my Grandma, your great grandma has someone to look after while i’m still on earth. You are loved beyond measure little one. I cannot wait to hug and kiss you.

Love your Mom 🤍 (My heart, my first baby)

Below is Tadpoles journey from my reaction, to Brandons, and finding out I was having a miscarriage. They go from pure joy to hanging on by a thread. I want to keep these memories forever. Even though it didn’t go the way we hoped, we will.fkrever have these clips of raw and real emotion.

(Disclaimer I did not record a lot and did not take any video in the hospital or the weeks following my actual miscarriage. I was not in the mindset and to be completely honest it is really personal and was not thought of in the moment.)