Recurrent Miscarriages: Telling our Family we're Pregnant & 2nd appointment

September 21st my second appointment was scheduled. Due to staffing issues this appointment was pushed back to Thursday September 23rd at 10:15am. Ironic isn't it. For those who are not aware my 1st appointment following the day after my first miscarriage or Chemical Pregnancy was also at 10:15am. October 15th is not only mine and my Husband’s anniversary but more importantly Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. 10•15 I think God made this day significant in my life for a reason.

On Sunday September 19th I noticed really dark brown discharge in my underwear. I started to get worried because although in most cases this is normal, in mine it was scary. I was considered high risk and I just had a bad feeling. Brandon talked me down and the rest of the evening into the next day I was fine. The darkness continued into Monday where I tried not to think about and remembered it is supposed to be common in most 1st trimester Pregnancies. Tuesday morning I called my doctor. The point of the call wasn’t to make my doctor aware that I had been experiencing brown discharge for days, but to get answers on what my appointment on Thursday was going to entail. I did not think to ask while there last because I left feeling disappointed and teary eyed. This time I wanted to make sure that I was informed of exactly what was going to take place so I would not go in blind like I had previously. All that brought upon me was worry and left me feeling lost. I was told that I would be taken for another internal sonogram to get new measurements and to try and find a heartbeat. In reply I asked if the technician would play the heartbeat for me. The response broke me.

“If she can find a heartbeat she might play it for you. You know this appointment is to see if the pregnancy is Viable or not?”

At that moment my fears were almost confirmed. I could feel the water moving closer and closer to the back of my eyes. I pushed it back. When I found what was almost enough brown gunk to seep through my undergarment material I freaked. I called a friend because I was too scared to call the OB office again and I didn’t want to worry Brandon. The friend contacted the lady who had helped me through my previous loss. When I got the call back I was told to take it easy. Do minimal work and try not to worry. Running up and down the stairs at work that morning was definitely not the right call, although there wasn’t any stopping what my body had already started the process of. I called Brandon and gave him the information I had accumulated from the first half of that day. There… the dams broke.

Deep down I knew what was happening. I was in denial and would not let the thought come upfront. Hours later I checked in with the helpful lady and again with my Husband. When Brandon asked me if my boobs still hurt… I felt them… the skin on my forehead crinkled. I thought to myself NO they don't.

“Ya a little.” I lied to him

I knew without pretty much any doubt our worst fear had once again come true. After thinking about it, I hadn’t really felt Pregnant since Friday or Saturday. No nausea if my stomach was empty, my boobs weren’t sensitive, and the obvious discolored discharge. I was worried and in shock and just done. I took a mental health day Wednesday. Watched TV and cleaned my house. Tried to keep my mind clear. When my in-laws came to bring me dinner everything came up.

“You knew last time right? You could feel it? This feels different?” She asked

I jumped in reply, “Ya it’s different, I knew.”

My brain was running in circles. I knew in my bones what was happening. I wouldn’t face it. I knew I was lying. I couldn’t let my heart feel it. I had noticed blood in my discharge that day, but I kept it to myself. I didn’t want anyone to worry. Most of all Brandon. I wanted him him enjoy it for a few more days. I wanted him to be happy that he was going to be a DAD again. Little did I know that he already knew too. Just like me, he didn’t want to say anything. The entire situation was kind of all unspoken. Everyone knew what was happening but know one was saying it. No one admitted it. I had called the office before closure that day just so they knew I was now bleeding and the discharge had changed. I would go back and forth. Maybe by some miracle this is all a fluke and tomorrow everything is going to be fine. I will hear my babies heartbeat and go back to work with photos to share with my support person. Just maybe…

Thursday September 23rd 10:15am. Immediately taken back to the ultrasound room. It was different. She was quite and so was I. Before I was a nervous reck and talked too much, but I was calm. I knew. The internal sonogram took 10 minutes to complete.

“You can’t tell me anything about what your seeing can you?”

“NO i’m sorry I can’t. Because I don’t diagnose.”

What you have to say right? We chatted about my missing bloodwork and then I headed back to the waiting room where I went straight for the bathroom to clean myself up. I didn’t cry. I wouldn’t let myself. Not yet. I breathed in deep and waited until I was called to a room. Almost immediately my doctor walked in. She asked me how my bleeding was and then she sat down.

She looked at me, “I’m afraid I don’t have good news.”

“I already know.”

We spoke of my options and I found out about my missing blood work and I was told to stay home from work for the next week. I chose to go home and progress naturally. Since I was already bleeding the process had already started to expel what was no longer alive. Little did I know how hard that decision was going to become. I knew for sure that I did not want an “abortion pill” this would just cause excruciating pain and force my body to release. I was in enough pain. I was not adding to it. The last option was a D&C which at that time I had barely any knowledge of. So home it was. To be honest I just wanted out of there. I was not in the right mindset to ask further questions. I needed time to process. For days after I still believe I was in a state of shock or fuzz. I knew I had to get myself through this, so I did.

I left the office and darted for the bathroom where I let what had welled up over days out. I couldn't face Brandon, who was right outside, like this. Relieving what I needed too I glued the cracked pieces and walked outside with a half-hearted smile. Maybe it was a mistake, I don’t know. Brandon thought everything might have been okay because I looked completely fine. Inside I was numb. I had to be.

“How was it?”

“It’s another miscarriage.” I couldn’t look at him.

I went to work, turned in my keys, and went home. I went HOME.

---

Telling our family was easy, taking it back was hard. After my first ultrasound I left very disappointed and disheartened. I was expecting Ultrasound photos for piece of mind. To know that everything was okay. After processing I realized there was no use dwelling on what I could not control. What was going to happen, was going to happen. The following day was my father-in-laws 50th birthday. A last minute dinner was planned so instead of waiting until the Football/birthday party that upcoming weekend we decided to tell his parents and grandparents that night. I had never eaten at Salsa’s before and I was definitely surprised at how delicious their Chicken Quesadilla was. I had chills throughout dinner and became increasingly nervous as time went on. I knew their reaction was going to be highly accepted. The family had been wanting this for a time. I don’t know why I was nervous, just the excitement of doing it was enough. We bought a card with a #1 Grandpa button in it and claimed that next year someone extra special was going to be celebrating with us and signed it from us and Baby C. While on the Salsa’s front patio he opened our card first. My stomach was in knots. I hit record and watched as the realization unfolded.

“You trying to tell us something”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m going to be an OMA! AHHH!”

The joy heard in the voices of the people that love us most was an amazing feeling. I did feel kind of awkward in the moment, trying to record it and letting my nerves calm down. The Sunday night that I began spotting we were all at a WWE Wrestling Event. After the show I was told they had a gift for me. Pulling out the white footed sleeper from the Buy Buy Baby bag was surreal. I was going to have a baby. In that moment I wasn’t thinking about the risks or the fact that my body was in the process of miscarrying my second child. I was happy. That night or the night after I remember telling Brandon to put his hand on my stomach and love the baby. That does not sound like someone who is nervous about not carrying until viability. Although the next couple of days that small slice of happiness and baby fog disappeared.

My parents were next. I knew that I only wanted to share the news with a few select people because I was still so early and always had the thought of loosing everything in the back of my mind. After it happens once… it is kind of hard not to. The rest of my family and a few friends following I wanted to tell after my next appointment. The one I would have heard my precious littlest loves heartbeat and brought home picture proof that he or she was real and mine. The one that instead turned into a nightmare.

Brandon came up with the idea. I was struggling a lot with a way to tell my parents that we were expecting. The way that I had always imagined it was crushed because we had yet to have an image of the sweet little fetus. I wanted to do something unique. Something different than you would see on a normal pregnancy announcement video. Something personal.

“Why don’t we just give them a can of peas that says Baby pea Head 2 is coming”

“OMG that is perfect!”

I wanted something personal and there it was. My nickname as a baby, which has also stuck with me to adulthood is Baby Pea head because apparently I had a perfectly round head. The morning of September 11 we decided to give my parents some exciting news on a day where we all need a little joy. We picked up a can of peas and I wrote,

“Baby Pea Head pt. 2 due may 2022”

My mother kind of ruined the surprise. It was still amazing obviously, I was just unable to capture her reaction on video so we could have it forever. The can was set on the edge of an end table in the front living room. We were all walking through it back to their master when my mom noticed it and picked it up. Although this happened fairly quickly, it all felt like slow motion. Her moth dropped and she smiled. I snatched it out of her hand before she could show my Dad because I wanted to at least get his reaction on camera. I bolted to the back room. I kind of panicked in the process. I fidgeted with my camera as my parents and Brandon made their way back into the room.

“Okay now you can have the can of peas”

I handed him the can and stared through the screen of my phone until I realized he had no idea what he was looking at. This man could not read my hand writing! I was so done. He started to sound it out loud. He looked up at me with a smile,

“Are you expecting?”

I quickly said yes and turned to my mom and lightheartedly joked,

“You ruined it!”

I brought out my Bump book I had purchased and a positive digital pregnancy test to show them. I had started my bumpdates at week 6 and had photos to prove it. ( It was confirmed a new and at that point viable pregnancy at 5weeks and 4days.) I was so excited. My pregnancy pillow and stretchmark moisturizer was on the way. My mom was ready to start shopping and everyone was just in the best mindset. I had ordered a package earlier that week from Amazon and had it delivered to my moms house. Little did she know that that package was actually hers. in it was a Grandma Pandora charm. This was part of the first plan to tell my parents that fell through due to the missing Ultrasound photo. Turns out my mom was more excited than my dad. I thought it was a little odd because my Father has been asking for grand babies and hinting at it for almost a year, but my Mother never even spoke on it. We started planning the dinner where we would announce the baby to my siblings and cousins. Everyone was ready to welcome the first Grandchild on both sides of the family.

9-23-21 I went HOME. I called my mom. The entire time I was holding back tears. Staying solid because I had to. I had to get myself through this. I did not want to talk to anybody because I was scared I was going to bust at the seems. I obviously couldn’t hide it. My in laws already knew because they are a lot more immediate, my family waits for the information to come to them. Part of me wanted to get it over with. It is part of my “process”. The process where I get everything in order. I check the boxes off of the to-do-list. This was one of those boxes.

“It’s another miscarriage.”

“oh baby I am so sorry”

I wince internally every time someone gives me sympathy for what happened. I know they are trying to be kind and give support where it can be given. It leaves me feeling awkward. I don’t know what to say.

Thank You? I appreciate it?

I can say that through the past few unbearable months I have felt more loved than I have in my entire life. I know that my friends and family care. Even my work.

Telling everyone was easy, taking it back was hard.

“I am blessed beyond measure” for the life that God has provided for me. This season of my life feels like a am treading water. It is extremely difficult and sometimes I don’t feel like I am going to make it. I am told this is normal coupled with the experience I am treading through. This is true and I know it will pass. This may sound strange, but I want to embrace it. Take in the pain and the hurt and the unbearable sadness because I know how much these babies were loved. I know I am stronger than the pain… hurt… and unbearable sadness.

“It is God who gives me strength”

I am ready to share the darkest part of this experience with you in the Blog following this. I know what I want to say, I just need to get it down on screen.

MISCARRIAGE AND PREGNANCY LOSS AWERNESS MONTH - OCTOBER

REMEMBRANCE OF TADPOLE AND BABY PEA HEAD PT. 2 OUR ANGLE BABIES