My Loss Diary: mental health, genetic test & bloodwork results

It has been almost 5 months since we said goodbye to our second angel here on earth. Going into the New Year I felt uneasy because 2022 is the year we were going to bring our babies home, that is not happening. I also didn’t want to go backwards and relive the pain and heartache that the second half of 2021 brought us. I was scared to say goodbye to the year that we lost so much in and hello to the year we were supposed to gain in. On January 2nd my fear disappeared and a peace surrounded me. I was scared of the future because I knew what it was supposed to be and I miss it. I have felt God so much in my grief process, more than I ever have in my entire life. I felt peace and arms holding me up until the grief didn’t make me want to stumble.

My mental health over the past couple of months has been so much better. Obviously right after the loss my physical and emotional health plummeted to a low I have never felt before. October and most of November I thought I would never get back to normal. I would have my good days and bad. One week I would feel as if I was okay again and I was finally ready to move forward, but then one of my triggers that I thought had dissipated would come back. My 10 steps forward would become 15 steps backwards. Overtime these triggers became less and less noticeable. Without realizing it I became the Shayna I was before the grief took over. One thing I arribute to my healing process was putting everything away. All of the baby stuff we had accumulated and the pregnancy tests. I am a very sentimental person so I printed all of the photos we had taken throughout the month we knew I was pregnant. I made a scrapbook for memories to look back on when the twinge of pain has mostly subsided. To show our future kids the memories of their two older siblings. Packing everything up didn’t feel like I was forgetting them. It felt like I was closer to closing the chapter of overwhelming grief. It also helped that the communication between my husband and I was finally getting better. The weeks following the second loss we struggled to find away to be their for each other in the way each other needed it. In turn it damaged our communication and put a strain on our marriage. I don’t know how or exactly when things became easier between us, but we started really listening to each other and not being angry over the others sadness.

In December something shocking happened. It was the 17th of the month and I would have been 20 weeks pregnant with my second. It was a very very hard day. I was struggling and so was Brandon. He had one of the worst days he had ever had in his field of work. A trigger was activated. I remember pulling up to my desk and saying something about how this day really sucked, what happened next I will never forget. No one knew what I was speaking of when this statement came from my lips. Some there knew that I had had a miscarriage, but know one knew what that exact date meant. The half way point in my pregnancy. Not even two minutes after my statement the coworker that I am the least familiar with, came up to me; put her hand on my stomach; and whispered in my ear, “by this fall your arms will me full”

I was in complete and utter shock. Dumbfounded to what had just happened. There was no way she had any idea what I was referring too, I wasn’t even sure if she knew I had a miscarriage in September. I did know that it was all God’s doing. After I had closed my jaw and found my bearings I went over to speak to her and I was told that she felt the urge to tell me. God had placed it on her heart to speak those words in my ear. She also relayed that this has happened in the passed and was shaking as she spoke. God used her in many women’s lives. I had never before felt His presence more than I had then. A pure peace came over me. That is when I truly believe my mindset and healing started too bloom. I haven’t told any one what happened between me and her that day, other than Brandon and one other coworker because she saw my face after it happened. I am more grateful than anything for those precious words from God.

One Bible verse that has walked me through this grief process has been, Isaiah 60:22 “when the time is right. I the Lord will make it happen” This couldn’t be further from the truth. In God’s timing, in His will. We will bring home our baby.

As of now I believe I am in the best mental state I can be in. I have survived one of the hardest things a woman can experience. With the help of family, friends, and God, I made it through a time where I thought all I was going to do was die. My mindset changed from saying goodbye to my precious angels, to closing the grief chapter and fully realizing that I will get to see them again one day.

On October 15th 2021, we got the call. It was our one year Wedding Anniversary and we were on the way to Atlanta to celebrate when my OB called to give us the results. The genetics of our fetus. My first loss was most likely due to a genetic imbalance so my body rejected it. This time the doctor confirmed that the baby was perfectly healthy. Somehow my heart dropped. I started blaming myself.

My body killed my baby? My body rejected you. But you were perfectly healthy!

10/15 is Pregancy and Infant Loss awareness. I somehow knew that God made this date symbolic to us for a reason, and we now know why. He knew what the future held for us. And he knew that knowing what the date was would give me peace somehow. It took me awhile to stop thinking, what if About my body being the cause. When my Blood test results came back I finally had know choice but to face the facts. Do I have a blood clotting disorder that can cause miscarriages… sometime in the beginning of December I got the call. I remember helping on the desk when I saw the OB office number on my caller ID. I stepped to a back office and answered. After adding Brandon to a three way she let it spill.

“ I have good and bad news. The good news is you don’t have a blood clotting disorder so you are perfectly healthy. The bad news is we don’t really know what caused the loss.”

Relief flooded me. I am perfectly healthy and my body didn’t reject my perfectly healthy baby. I am in the percentage of woman that have miscarriages with no final reason. Although we all have a pretty good idea of what really happened. Something that I wasn’t willing to fully believe until I had all of my answers. My body was not healed. My body was not ready to carry a healthy pregnancy. I hadn’t even had a cycle before getting pregnant again. My body definitely hadn’t had time to really heal form the damage of my first.

“ medically and in my opinion you can start trying again whenever you feel ready”

I heard these words and was shocked. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me at all, but it was. I hadn’t thought about trying again. Right after the loss I felt as if I was missing something and wanted a baby so badly… throughout my healing process that thought kind of went away. Even though I wanted to fill that void of the child I would have had, I never actually thought about taking the steps to make it actually happen. Brandons reaction shocked me even more. He was ready to start trying again. Or at least his words said so. He was the one that didn’t want to try again for a long time because he thought he couldn’t handle another tragedy. Honestly I don’t know if I can either. I thought I would never make it through this last one. I may be healthy, but there definitely could be a third loss with no explanation.

We are in the middle of January now and want to try again sometime in 2022. We don't have a plan. I want it to happen naturally. In God's timing. As for the fear of another loss… we are walking by faith. Trusting that God will protect us and our future little love. Thank you for following along on this Heartbreak journey. The past 5 months have been a learning and trusting process. I have grown up and matured more in the second half of 2021 than I ever have. I guess that is one thing I can thank the hardest year of my life for. I miss and love my angels every day, but we know they are safe in heaven.

Tadpole & Peahead 🤍👼

my littlest loves…

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