Trying again after consecutive losses

It's snowing outside! It is January 21st, a Friday night and I knew. It's time. I looked down at the man I love and knew it was time to try again. I was waiting for the perfect moment, the instant that I had the overwhelming feeling that I am ready again. Without planning, without preparing we did it. I don't think Brandon knew what was happening. I took him by surprise, he had no intentions of asking or even thinking that tonight was the moment. Until it was. I think he is still in shock. I am typing this in my notes as he is asleep next to me, his arm wrapped around my waist because I don't want to forget this moment. This night. With no expectation to come up with a positive test from tonight, I know God's timing has arrived. I know that going forward I have strength only faith can provide and hope for the future that only His love could show. I don’t know if this means we are actively trying again or a one time thing for now. Like I said, no expectation, no plan in place. Which is weird because I am a planner! But I have never felt more at peace and happy than I do in this moment about our future family. No fear, no underlying regret or reservation. Just pure peace and knowing. This is a hard feeling to explain, but it's real. I never thought I would get here. I am so grateful to be here.
It's snowing!

It’s been four weeks… and I have been contradictory with myself. That night was a beautiful night. I went in with no expectation… but coming out I found myself with one. I am unsure if it is because I am scared or wanting or ready or a million other things. A week had passed and I began researching with a new app while still using “old reliable” (the one I have used since I was 16) to determine if any of the three times we had tried were in my fertile window or even remotely close. From what I accumulated it seemed we tried on the days just shy of getting pregnant. At least according to my apps. So I came to the conclusion that there was no way I was pregnant or would be getting pregnant until around the beginning of March.

“Shayna why are you looking at these apps? You don’t know for sure.”

My Husband asked me this (not verbatim, my memory when it comes to conversations can be a little rocky) while I was in the middle of one of my contradicting rants about how I had been feeling.

“what happened to going with the flow, whatever happens happens?”

“I still feel that way and that is how I still want it to be. I don’t know babe, I’m just… I wanna know but I don’t wanna know!”

I sometimes still feel this way. It’s hard to explain, but I have this perfect image in my head of how I wanted this process to be. Now going through it… it isn’t as easy. I want to know because I am excited and want to be pregnant so badly. I don’t want to know because I am scared and know that the weeks I have to wait before I can hear a heartbeat will feel like I am dying inside. I told myself I would wait as long as possible before I took a test. I want to go into the doctor’s office and not leave without hearing my babies heartbeat, knowing that this time it will be different. No one knows that yet. Heck we don’t even know if I am Pregnant.

February 16, 2022

My cycle was supposed to start today. But it didn't. I am late. For the past two months my period had actually come early, this time it didn’t and this time it didn’t even start on time. My mind has been racing. Sometimes I find myself excited, maybe I am Pregnant. Other times I question it. My boobs are sore. Is that from pregnancy or not wearing the correct bra? I am having light cramping. Is that because my cycle is still coming or is it implantation? So many questions ran through my head yesterday and today, the 17th. I was anticipating miss red because I felt there was no way I could have gotten pregnant. Then I think about my sore boobs or the cramps that haven’t spilled blood.

This isn’t like last time. In August I knew I was pregnant. I could feel it in my bones. This time I don’t know.

One minute I am telling myself I am not pregnant, if I were I would know. I would feel it for sure.

The next I'm not pregnant. I don’t feel it like last time. This is a hoax my body is playing on me.

I don’t know what to think and I don’t know how to feel. I think deep down I know the answer, but I am to scared or I don’t want to be wrong, or I’m just not ready to admit it to myself because I have so much stuff I want to finish before I know. Before it is official.

I have this fear… I didn’t think about what it would feel like during this process. The first time… well the first time we had nothing to compare it to. No pain. The second we weren’t even trying, there wasn’t a place for fear. Today is February 18th, Friday. I woke up feeling good and as the day went on I felt great. At 4pm I knew. I finished balancing and went to the bathroom to find red on the toilet paper. I was instantly crushed. The thing is… it wasn’t a flow. It was spotting. Bright red at first and then dark… like a brown. I have been cramping off and on the past week thinking my body is anticipating my next cycle or… I could be pregnant. I am unsure of what this is. Insert FEAR! And PTSD, the last time I had dark brown blood or discharge I had a miscarriage. It instantly triggered me, continuing the second guessing and questions that I don’t have the answers to. I got in my car and balled. On the radio a man was talking about Confidence and strength and believing that God has a plan for you and your life. Then he prayed… for all who need confidence and the strength to continue. I thanked God continuously on the way home for planting that prayer for me. I need strength, more than my own. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t want to. I don’t want to ruin this for anyone. I know I shouldn’t harbor it inside and that is why I am here. Using my keyboard and pouring my fear and thoughts and happenings.

I know… without a doubt, no second guessing and surprisingly no fear. I am Pregnant. Today is Sunday February 20th and for the past two days I have had this overwhelming feeling that I am Pregnant. Friday night after awhile the fear and overthinking disappeared and in its place a peace and knowing settled. It was like God was telling me

don't fear child, I am with you

And he is. His promise or words or gift or whatever he sent to me in December is true.

by this fall your hands will be full

I believed it then, now it feels real. It happened so quickly, no more fear just pure happiness. I have had a smile on my face since my realization and I know it may seem crazy but I know I am going to have a baby… Now!

I told my friend about the overwhelming feeling I was having while in Hobby Lobby looking for a birthday present. She didn’t say anything on the subject. Maybe because she doesn't believe me, maybe it’s because she is nervous for me. I am not saying that the fear of walking through this Pregnancy will not come because it will. Right now I am at peace with knowing I am right.

I told Brandon Saturday night. We were babysitting and I made a remark about 8 months from now and he went and looked for a pregnancy test upstairs. He didn’t find one obviously. This morning when he was leaving for work he came back and gave my stomach a kiss and said “just in case” I smiled so hard. Later I told him I was going for a run and he told me to be careful and I asked him if he believed me and he said time will tell. This response I think somewhat came from the fact that his partner was in the room and no one really knows. I wasn’t planning on telling him or anyone else, having this joy I couldn’t hide it.

I haven’t taken a pregnancy test yet. I don’t plan to until March. Crazy? I don’t know. I absolutely for sure without a doubt know that it is going to be positive. For others they may need that proof. I am just not ready for it to be for real yet. Maybe because I am worried of the fear… that it will come back with the assurance of the two lines. Maybe I am nervous to go back to the OB, where both times I left with nothing but loss. For now I am happy, so very happy.

It has been over a week since I had the overwhelming feeling of knowing I am Pregnant. It is Monday February 28th. Tomorrow is the first day of March and 5 days away from when I plan to test for the first time. So far a coworker of mine knows because I have been acting weird at work. Having this huge amazing secret makes me want to scream it everywhere. Brandon and I talk about it sometimes and he believes me. He kisses my belly before he leaves for work and we blame the baby for many of my Pregnancy symptoms. I haven't mentioned it again to my friend, she was there for me through my losses, but I think this is so personal that I am really happy it can be this inside joy between Brandon and I. I cannot believe it took us one try again! Our first cycle we got Pregnant. I am still so unsure of how seeing as the dates do not match, but I am sure that my pregnancy apps aren’t always accurate and because I never tested for ovulational I guess we may never know.

March 6th, And then I took a Pregnancy test…