My Loss Diary: mental health, miss red, & blood tests

NOVEMBER 11, 2021

My cycle started today. This is the first normal period I have had since May. I was so anxious about it, waiting for it to happen after my second miscarriage. After the first loss I began to worry after the 6 week mark, little did I know I was pregnant again. This time there was know possible way. When the 7 week mark hit I started to worry.

Many women can expect their first period four to six weeks after a miscarriage.

important to see your doctor if you do not have your period after 6 weeks of your miscarriage.

I read a lot of articles about what your body does or should do after a miscarriage. Knowing that I had passed the 6 week mark I began to overthink that maybe there is something wrong with my body. I had planned to mention to my OB at my next appointment on the 15th of this month, until this morning. I had already woken uneasy. It is Veteran’s Day and my only day off. I had gone to bed overthinking a situation that had a perfectly good explanation after it was discussed, but for some reason I can’t shake it. Brandon and I voiced our sides of the story through text because he is at work and oblivious to what I had seen the night before. I guess you could say my insecurities coupled with my raging hormones that hit me like a ton of bricks after 5 months of missing it added to my already fragile emotional state making me think of things that are impossible in my Husband’s point of view and very likely in mine. The situation was resolved and I know what my mind raced with over night was no where near the truth of what actually happened. Just one example of how my mental health has been lately.

I am highly embarrassed about admitting this right now, but its true. It’s raw and unbridled emotion that comes after loss. Trying to pick up the pieces that were broken and hoping you put them back in the correct place. I shared a little on my stories on socials hoping to get some of the bittersweet emotion off of my chest. I am happy that little miss red came to see me because it means that my body is healing. I can trust in the process that this time I received a period and it is not like before. I am sad because I shouldn’t be bleeding right now, but instead carrying Tadpole or Pea Head. Which is even worse because if I never would have lost Tadpole I never would have experienced the 7 weeks with baby Pea Head pt.2. I am angry because I loved hard and instantly and lost it all the same. Although I know they are still here with me, in spirit and love, it does not make it easier to accept that they aren’t here physically.

NOVEMBER 15, 2021

My appointment was cancelled today. Today at 3:15pm. right now actually, I was supposed to go in to have blood drawn so it can be sent for testing to check for blood clotting disorders in relation to miscarriage's. I spent all weekend preparing myself for this. I am aware that I wouldn’t have received my results the same day so it may seem weird that I am on edge about getting my blood drawn. It is knowing the reason for the blood draw that is scary. Once the results are in it’s finalized forever. I either have a disease that caused my last miscarriage or my body was not healed properly before Pea Head was conceived. Either way I feel like I lost. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and eventually when my mental stability is in a better place and/or Brandon and I start trying again I am positive I will not feel the same. To elaborate, if I have a disease I know what the future holds and will learn how to take as much control as possible as well as prepare myself for that process. If I am healthy… my body killed my baby. To put it bluntly. Which could be entirely untrue, with so many unknowns it is hard to know what to think really happened. The future is unknown. My next pregnancy could be completely healthy and we bring home a beautiful addition, or I may miscarry again and not know why. The depth of the situation is very eerie.

I had to prepare myself all weekend for what was supposed to come today. Friday I was still feeling the remanence of the day before. My hormones were out of control and worse than they had ever been. I was frustrated and angry that I could not be home to see HIM. I felt like I still needed closure from the day before and I knew he had a few really hard shifts at work and I was worried. I have never brought my frustrations into work that were to the point of where it went. My co-workers sent me home 30 minutes early because they knew I did not need to be there. They had never seen me in that state before, I scared myself in full transparency. When I arrived home I realized I had nothing to worry about. He was fine. I was almost instantly relieved and felt as if I wasn’t valid in my frustration. I believe were all caused by unfamiliar hormone changes. I took a shower and found Brandon on the couch. He pulled me on top of him and we slept until our friends showed back up. The rest of the night I felt good. I could feel that my Husband was okay and maybe we were okay. Saturday I woke up fine and then my mood gradually changed as the morning drew on. Last night it was enough to not have had a conversation. It was enough that we just held each other. That morning I expected to lay out everything that had happened this week. On both sides. Circumstances and Brandon’s inability to wake up made what I needed for my emotional state impossible. As we were leaving the house in the early afternoon for a pre-Birthday celebration for my brother in law he noticed again that I wasn’t myself and asked me to come clean. I reluctantly began my tale of Friday and asked that he elaborate on the things that happened with him and his friend group while at home. I thought that this would have uplifted me, but honestly it really didn’t. I turned from thinking about my situation to listening attentively to what happened to him during his shifts. I changed from feeling sorry for myself to being the strong wife for a hurting Husband. Not the best mentality, but it’s all I had at the moment. The day went on fine and my mood changed with my surroundings.

Yesterday, I kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about what today was supposed to be. I cleaned and ran errands. I reopened and shared the sweet gifts that my family had made for our losses. I woke up this morning ready for what 3:15 would bring me and just as my day started, it was ruined. I was not only told of this change, but then realized that I have to work this Saturday. A day that was supposed to be dedicated to my romantic relationship. It still is, just not in the same way I envisioned.

Tonight I have to do it all over again. Prepare myself for tomorrow. Get ready as I did before because 3:15 tomorrow my testing begins.

NOVEMBER 16, 2021

I am strangely… OKAY. I woke up this morning happy. Like a completely different person. Partly because I laid bare what I have been feeling lately to Brandon and I felt relieved. I worried while still at work and it all fell away once I arrived home. He spoke to me sweetly and took me for hot chocolate. It was as if he took what I admitted and did everything in his power to help alleviate the stress and not add to it. I felt like for one of the first moments in our relationship, he completely understood.

My Lab appointment is in an hour and I am not as nervous as before. Give credit to feeling emotionally stable in my relationship again and to God’s ability to wrap his heavenly love around his children. I am more ready and prepared for the outcome of these tests than I have ever been…

Frustration. The only word that comes to mind at the moment. My appointment has once again been cancelled and rescheduled. I left the OB office after being told for the second time that I cannot be seen today, I guess the receptionist who called me the day prior thought I was only coming in for labs, when in actuality I had a set appointment to be seen. I was told to come in at any time, I showed, and was turned away with an appointment for the next morning, which was changed again to the day after tomorrow set for the same time as the original appointment. This is the third incident where I have kind of been screwed over by the office. I don’t know the whole story, this was probably an accident. The point is this should not have happened. The circumstance that my life has been over the past few months… the OB is very sensitive for me and probably is for other woman. The doctor is good at what she does, I think that the office is too small, with too many patience that aren’t being given the treatment that they deserve and require. I happen to be one of those hurting patients.

I called Brandon on the way to the store and told him what happened. He asked why I just do not go ahead and leave. I wish it was that simple. The process of finding the perfect OB for my needs, then actually getting in to see them as a new patient; followed by asking and trying to get approved by this new doctor for the testing I was scheduled for at the prior office. It wouldn’t be until this spring that I would even begin testing. Just thinking about the wait after I have already waited… it is not something I am willing to do. Especially if we decide we want to start trying again. We both agreed that until we get my results back, a new Baby C will not be tried for. I can only hope that on Thursday at 3:15 I will finally start what I have been ready to begin, but nervous for the outcome.

NOVEMBER 18, 2021

Third times the charm right? Here goes nothing…

I don't even know where to begin. Tuesday I made up my mind to find a new OB after my testing was complete. Now I do not know what to do. I don't want to make the wrong decision and wind up regretting it. I have had so many ups and downs with this office, but the doctor is pure gold. I still believe that the doctor to patient ratio should be narrowed and the office management needs improvement because many patients other than myself are not receiving the treatment and care they deserve. I have run into a few issues with this fact during the beginning of my 2nd pregancy and loss. Towards the end, after I already knew what was happening, is when things started to look up. I spoke plainly to my doctor and told her what I needed and ever since she has reciprocated. She explained the rescheduling debacle to me and it made since and brought me perspective. She wanted to make sure I was seen by her. Unfortunately it was out of anyone’s control that the only tech was out the day my appointment was scheduled. The following 2 days my doctor was out of the office. With that being said, I now know why my appointment was pushed back 3 times. It makes me feel heard and cared for knowing that even though this week was very inconvenient, my doctor made it a point for me to be seen by her as to determine how I have been over the past month.

I first went back for my blood work where 3 viles were taken and will be sent off to check for blood clotting disorders in relation to miscarriage's. The process is called recurrent Miscarriage work up. I was taken to a room where my doctor came in shortly after and immediately asked me how I had been. We started talking and it felt like I was speaking to a close friend. The conversation was intimate and informative with her medical skill, and yet it was still very personable. We related on how our Husbands are the same when it comes to confrontation and she spoke honestly about how she thinks I am going to be a Mom very soon and how good of one I am going to be because of how conciencous I am. She took me by surprise when she told me that she believes I am medically and physically cleared to start trying again. I was highly confused until she explained that all she needed to see from me was a normal cycle that proves my body is back on track and that the physical healing had done what it needed to do after a loss.

My blood test results will arrived in about 3 weeks is what I was told. I honestly thought I was looking at months, but I am relieved and nervous at the same time to find out what we have wanted to know for a few months now. When I get the call saying the results are in a scheduled appointment will be made for Brandon and I to come in and sit with her to discuss the results. I was happy to know that he can finally be apart of the process even if it happens to be the very last step in the chapter.