Pregnancy after Loss Diary | Installment 2.

I have made it to my Third Trimester! I can’t believe it. This entire experience has flown by. I have enjoyed it and tried to soak it all in, but I am also not complaining because I am so beyond ready to meet my baby girl. A lot has happened over the past few months. I will say that compared to a lot of other woman’s pregnancies I have had it fairly easy and a healthy pregnancy. The fear has not been bad at all over these months, except for recently. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. (For more details on the specifics of my first viable pregnancy after loss, you can read my weekly Pregnancy updates.) I was highly confused and very scared and super embarrassed. It did not make any since to me because I do not fit into any of the typical categories for woman who would develop this condition. I was terrified because I did not know anything about Gestational Diabetes and had know idea how to handle it, what to do/ how to take care of myself. I was scared that I was hurting/hurt my daughter because of my crappy eating habits. I was embarrassed because there is a negative stigmatism for woman with this condition. Obesity and unhealthiness being the biggest ones. I was highly uncomfortable being diagnosed with it and even worse having to tell people.

It has been two weeks since the diagnosis and I have learned a lot and have come to accept the fact that for the remainder of this pregnancy I will be living with having to prick my finger every morning and two hours after every meal. Thankfully it is only a mild case with my sugar only being over 30 points or less every so often. I have learned that certain foods (carbs and fake sugars) elevate my glucose more than others. I can still have these foods, just in moderation and not all in one sitting. I was told to not change my diet, at least at this point. I am supposed to be meeting with a specialist referred by my OB’s office, but I have yet to receive a phone call to set up the appointment where I will be given more information on gestational diabetes and a growth scan to check and see where baby girl is. Obviously know one is too worried about it considering it has been two weeks and I still haven’t heard anything. I have learned a lot about my recent diagnosis on my own and have come to realize that my case of Gestational Diabetes is most likely not because of my diet, but because of where my placenta is, apparently girl pregnancies are more prone to developing it than boy pregnancies, and the fact that I am a petite person my body may take longer to process certain sugars than it would take someone taller and bigger than me to process.

I am definitely not as worried about it as I was when I was first told. I remember not being able to stop crying because I was so disappointed. I wasn’t shocked because I believe God was preparing me all day for the news, but that still did not mean that I was prepared to hear it. The worst part was not knowing how to take care of myself, when come to find out I don’t have to make any changes. I was terrified that I was damaging my child or I could loose her because of this diagnosis. As far as I know baby girl is still pretty small, at least that is what my stomach is measuring. So fear of having a larger baby really hasn’t been a factor in this process.

We just passed the one year anniversary of finding out about my second pregnancy. On August 28th, 2021 I was becoming super antsy because I KNEW I was pregnant. After some convincing I finally went upstairs and took a test. It was positive, just like I knew it would be. We were so excited and weren’t really trying after our 1st loss. I hadn’t even had my first cycle after the miscarriage yet, but we weren’t preventing it either. Over thee next couple of weeks we were filled with highs and lows because we were told that there was a good chance this pregnancy would not last, but I did not believe it. A few days shy of one month of knowing we were expecting I began having brown discharge that turned into light spotting which then turned into bleeding which lead to our second and very devastating miscarriage.

If you would like to read about our full story you can find it here.

I wasn’t sad and I honestly hardly thought about our loss on the one year date of finding out. I have been so focused on my current pregnancy and being excited to bring our first earth side child into the world. I actually felt a little guilty for not feeling sad. I know that I will never forget my losses and I knew that I wouldn’t be grieving forever, but I never realized that I wouldn’t feel sad about it. Maybe it was just that day and I wouldn’t let myself focus on it, maybe because the day we found out wasn’t sad at all. Maybe God was holding me up and has given me more strength than I knew I had. I do know that I loved both my angel babies dearly and cannot wait to see them and hold them in Heaven.

Lastly, Tuesday of this week I had a minni freak out. Baby girl had been moving a ton over the last week, but for some reason really wasn’t moving Monday night into Tuesday. This made me very uncomfortable because I was getting used to how active she was becoming and then all of a sudden it stopped. I tried not to let it get to me and I think I did a pretty good job of trusting that she was okay. Wednesday she started moving around again. Not as much as the week prior, but definitely moving. That gave me the peace of mind I was looking for. Now we have about 8 weeks left before this babes due date and maybe even less before she is really here.

This journey has been an experience. Pregnancy after loss is not easy for anyone, but it is definitely a blessing. Now that this chapter is almost over, I am more excited for the future than ever. 2021 was brutal and looking back I am grateful to have the experience know matter how sad the tragedy was. It gave me strength and a better outlook on life and a better relationship with my God and family. Not everyone feels the same about their situation and I pray that one day you find peace with it. I think being pregnant again and now being so close to the day of meeting my first living child, I have found peace with my losses and see what little joy we had in them. I can remember and be happy that I will be with all my babies one day.