Story Time: Bad relationships and "V Card" Talk

  I grew up in a Christian home. We went to Church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I went to private school for as long as I can remember. (Except High School) I did not know much about the outside world, only the things my cousins would joke about. The virginity thing is not something you really talk about.  But of course in a private school, where sheltered kids mainly have to learn on their own, lets just say that some of us made decisions that we might not have made if we had been a little more educated.

  Disclaimer: I HOLD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AGAINST ANY PRIVATE SCHOOL. I LOVED GROWING UP IN ONE! To see more on that check out my Growing up in Private School Blog.

  I guess you could say I was one of the lesser sheltered kids. Nobody really tried to hide anything in my family, regarding worldly things that is. We had restrictions on things we could and could not do, like any child would. At the same time I never really had “The SEX talk” at least not with my parents. It would always be skirted around, especially when I started to get older. My parents really didn’t have much to worry about seeing as I was a “goody two shoes” my freshman and sophomore year of high school. I did not even date in High School. I mean I wasn’t even aloud to date until I was 16. Which I am actually grateful for because at my High School there were a lot of “creeps” or just guys who I definitely was not interested in. This rule helped me turn these boys down without hurting their feelings or stepping out of my insecure little girl bubble and tell them the truth. Although at the beginning and end of my Junior year I tried the dating thing. The first lasted 4 days — WHICH IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP — with a guy that I thought I liked, but turned out I didn't. You definitely know you are not ready for a relationship when you are terrified to walk down the hallway and hold hands with someone. (Yes this is how I felt) At one point I actually cried because I did not know how to tell him I wasn’t ready for this and needed to break it off. We were such great friends and I knew that he had been into me since the year before. Needless to say it did not end well. I don’t feel too bad anymore because a few months after it was over he found the woman he plans on spending forever with, so it worked out.

P.S. He asked me out in the lunchroom while I was selling Choir tickets, he got down on one knee and presented me with a stuffed zombie monkey (which I still have btw) that he had won me at the fair.

  As for the second one, well we did the HHS morning Show together. I remember sitting outside of the video room on top of a desk when 2 girls also part of the broadcasting team came up to me and told me that “so-and-so” liked me. I was shocked! Like I for real had know clue. This guy was 11 months younger and in a lower grade than I was.  I remember talking over spring break and getting to know each other better. I was celebrating my 17th birthday and going to Myrtle Beach with my family. The second day we came back from break he asked me out. At first I was hesitant seeing as my last “relationship” did not go very well, but as the week got out and the second one started he began to grow on me. He would walk me to class and hold my hand. He even carried my books. Such a gentleman would never do anything wrong! HA come to find out he was cheating on me with some middle school girl he met on the bus. Talk about teenage drama! We had been together for two weeks when he texts me and says he thinks we should take a break, dude a break… it has been two weeks and we barely know each other. So I proceeded to act like a girl and blubber while I made a cheeseburger for a kid at the concession stand who was watching little league baseball.

  I guess you could account these two bad experiences for how I proceeded with my “love” life. At the beginning of my Junior year I started my first real job at Sonic. There I met and had a continuous flirtatious relationship with someone for 2 years. Just because I found someone attractive and he reciprocated his physical attraction back did not mean that I was going to act on it. Especially since I was 16 and he was 8 years older than me, not to mention he had a girlfriend. Time flew on and my senior year happened. Things began to heat up between us and I gave my first kiss to him. For a first kiss it was good. Of course the ones following were more intense and seductive which felt great for someone who had never experienced it before.

   AAANNNNDDD then we got caught! Another manager caught us making out against the back wall, her mouth fell open, and I was mortified! I got put on probation and he got demoted. Needless to say things ended between us, at least for a little while. We still texted off and on and he would give me “those looks” while we were on shift together, but nothing more than that.

  THHHEENNNN I met Brandon! Of course this is an entirely different story all together. Anyway as you know Brandon and I did not happen until the following Fall. we went out on a couple of awkward dates because I was not trying in the slightest. All I wanted at this point in time was my elder co-worker who continuously pursued me. Therefore Brandon was put on the backburner, I know that is awful!! Come April I turned 18 and in May I instigated the dysfunctional relationship with the 26 year old. The second go around became a little more intense. One thing led to another and on June 21, 2017 I gave up my virtue to him in the back seat of my car. And before anyone starts SLUT SHAMING me as far as I know this man and his girlfriend had an open relationship and she was also seeing someone else. Not that this excuses my behavior. I take full responsibility for what I did and felt like a horrible person for the longest time. Our “affair” continued until mid August when we got caught again and this time he got fired. I guess I did not get that bad of a punishment because my boss felt as if he was taking advantage of me and I was also like a daughter to her. I guess Karma caught up with me because I got a UTI and caused an accident the following week. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. I met this man for a reason. I slept with him for a reason. At the time I thought I was doing it because all of my friends had boyfriends and they all came to me for advice and they were telling me they had finally “DONE IT” but I was the only one not in a relationship and not having SEX. So how could I give them advice on something I knew nothing about. I mean no one ever told me what it was really about, just that the Bible says that it is to be saved for marriage with the person you spend forever with. I was taught that, but I never understood it. Nor did I find a reason for why I wanted to hold out. I guess that is apart of the secular world. Getting thrown into public school without knowing anything about how it worked or what was regular behavior for a teenager that wasn’t raised in a devout Christian home.  I am not saying that because I wasn’t taught the way I thought I should have been or that because I did not have more open conversations with my family caused me to act on sexual impulses with a 27 year old man. Of course not! I made my own decision and mine alone.

  I guess what I am saying here is that you have to make your own mistake's. That does not mean go out and sleep with someone 8 years older than you. Make your own decisions, but be mindful of the consequences. The decisions I made do not define me, that same August Brandon was there for me. We always talked and we hung out all the time because I chose to finally let him in and begin to let go of my past. At first it was just a distraction, but he is a real genuine person whom I love so much. I do not regret what I did, you can’t change the past, so why dwell on it. Learn from it and move on. Three years later and look at me now. I am not the same self-conscious relationship scared girl. I have grown. Yes I still have my faults and being insecure or self-conscious takes a lifetime to fix. It is an ongoing battle. How that came to be is — again — a whole other story. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, but also be smart about them.

 I hope you enjoyed and maybe took something away from this.