Pregnancy after Loss Diary | Installment 3.

SEPTEMBER 19TH

One year ago today my body began the process of rejecting my second pregnancy. I remember sitting on my hope chest telling Brandon that I had brown discharge as he was finishing getting ready for us to leave for a WWE live show at the James Brown Arena. He told me it was probably nothing and just more implantation bleeding. But I knew in my heart it wasn’t. I put on a smile and swallowed it down. We went to the show and afterwards Brandon’s parents had gotten us the cutest little footed sleeper from Buy Buy Baby. That awful feeling of knowing this pregnancy wasn’t going to last came back. Gradually the discharge became more consistent. I remember calling my friend almost freaking out because I did not want to bother a family friend who worked at my OB’s office just in case I was going crazy. Finally I gave in and texted the lady and sent her photos of my concern that was prevalent in my underwear. I was told to call the office if anything worsened and go into the ER if it became actually bleeding that filled a pad. The same things I had heard before. She did add words of encouragement by telling me not to worry until I really needed to and to take it easy and rest. I didn’t want to worry Brandon, but I knew.

Over that week the discharge began to brighten and become more red than brown. I then noticed that there was actually blood and not discharge coming out. Not enough for a pad, but enough to send me over the edge. I remember getting frustrated with my OB’s office because they couldn’t get me in sooner than my already scheduled appointment. So I had to live in my head with no definitive answers for another few days. This was very hard on my mental health because although I knew deep down what was happening I did not want to admit it.

SEPTEMBER 23RD

One year ago today I was told the heartbreaking news that I was yet again loosing a pregnancy. I had known for days and my nerves and mental health were shot. I was finally able to breathe because what I knew was happening had finally confirmed. It did not make swallowing the news any easier. I chose to go home and wait the process out. I didn’t want any intervention and I remember how fast it happened for my last loss. I should have realized after days of my body preparing to discard my deceased unborn child that this time it was not going to be the same. My brain was still trying to process the news finally being said allowed and confirmed by the doctors and it not just being in my head. I remember not wanting to face Brandon who was right outside. I spent a few minutes balling in the doctor’s office bathroom before putting myself together enough to face my Husband. Telling him was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I went back to work and turned in my keys and went home. Brandon did the same.

SEPTEMEBER 27TH

One year ago today my body finally passed my second loss. Days prior I knew that I couldn’t take it for much longer. I had been bleeding for over a week and my mental and emotional health could not take the waiting process any longer. I called the OB office Monday morning and was told I could come in that afternoon. I did and opted for a D&C after they did another internal ultrasound. I couldn’t wait any longer, I needed it to be over. I went home to get ready for my procedure that evening when my body decided to do what it desperately had been trying to do over the last week. I felt something fall out of me. I looked in my undergarments and there my itty bitty baby was. It took me a second to calm myself. I don’t remember how long I was upstairs in the bathroom while Brandon’s grandparents waited downstairs. I made the necessary phone calls and went back to the doctors office with the body of my fetus in a small jewelry box. We moved my next appointment up to October 11th for my final physical and I went home.

The next few days were very very hard. Brandon and I weren’t communicating like we should have been. I felt the most alone I had in my entire life. I needed him home, but instead he continued to work. This was partly my fault because I hadn’t openly told him I needed him, but I also knew he wanted to keep busy. We both process loss in different ways, I didn’t want to be alone, but he wanted a distraction.

A year later and our communication skills are a thousand times better and we will be going in for a scheduled induction for yet another rough, BUT VIABLE PREGNANCY in two weeks. Being put on Progesterone, freaking over not feeling my baby move, passing dates and milestones I would have had in my prior two pregnancies, finally making it to viability week, then being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, followed by a Fetal Growth Restriction diagnosis that comes with constant monitoring (although that is a good thing) and then an insignificant heart flutter that felt significant after hearing everything else.

Pregnancy after loss is extremely hard. Especially if you are given one diagnosis after the other. I am hopeful because my problem is with pregnancies not BABIES. I am nervous this is going to stop my Husband from SERIUOUSLY not wanting any more kids. I hope that come three years from now we both will have forgotten what the stress of three rough pregnancies were like and be ready for another round. This process has been hard and mentally putting myself through this again isn’t ideal, but I don’t want the difficulties thrown my way to impact my future decision to try for more kids. I think that is my only mental fear for the future now.

I am trying not to want to rush these last two weeks of pregnancy, but it has been so hard mentally. I feel as if I can’t protect my daughter while she is inside me. The last weeks have been the scariest because I am constantly worrying if she is okay in there. I will miss feeling her move inside me and the miracle of pregnancy. God chose this path for my Family and I know going through this will only make us stronger.

I have a tiny little fighter that I will be holding in my arms so very soon and this Pregnancy will be over. I do hope that I have the chance to experience pregnancy again no matter how rough my previous three have been. Maybe the next one won’t be so hard or stressful, but we did say that about all of them. Whatever HIS will is… will be.