Pregnancy after Loss Diary | Installment 1.

I haven’t felt her move yet. I am 18 and a half weeks. Lately I have been struggling with anxiety and impatience and fear. To the point I am subconsciously keeping myself from sleeping or relaxing. My nerves even made me nauseas a few times. I haven’t felt her move yet. I am scared something may be wrong. I know this may be an over exaggeration and anxiety that is giving me unnecessary stress that is not good for baby. I have been trying to release my fear by praying, staying busy, and planning for her arrival. The hardest is at night. When I can’t shut my brain off, when my mind runs with ideas and negative thoughts. I haven’t been able to sleep in 3 days because the instant I relax and fall the loud thoughts wake me. Sometimes I lay on my back and sit up with my hands on my stomach, barely breathing, hoping I will feel something. 18 weeks is still early and it is normal for woman to not feel movement, although a few woman have told me this is when they started to feel flutters or bubbles. Trying to not compare your pregnancy to others is not as easy as it looks,

why haven’t I felt my baby move yet? Am I missing it? Is she moving during the few minutes of sleep I get? Am I overlooking the bubbles that I take as gas, but are her?

I knew being pregnant after loosing two babies wasn’t going to be easy, but I haven’t felt real fear up until this point. Not being able to push on my stomach and feel her body to find where she is the past week has added to the anxiety. In the past I was okay because I knew it was rare and early to feel any movement, but I was also able to feel where she was by the firmness of my front. Lately it has become harder to point out where she is. My thoughts have even gone to finally buying a doppler, but then another fear pops in its place. what if I am unable to find her heartbeat? And it stops me from making the purchase. I have relayed this fear to my Husband and he keeps telling me that everything is okay. That she is just being stubborn and you will feel her move when she is ready. Which could all be very true, it is easier said than believed.

After speaking to a girl just a week ahead of me in Pregnancy, I decided to call my doctor and lay out my fearful thoughts in hope of gaining some kind of relief. I am so grateful to this woman for pushing me into taking action and not only telling me that everything is probably okay. It was an option of action that had crossed my mind prior, but out of yet another fear of seeming uneducated I didn’t do it until validated by another. Speaking to my OB settled my mind enough to actually get some sleep and begin enjoying my day to day life not being consumed by the thoughts of loosing my daughter. I was told not every woman feels their baby move right away, that a typical movement is felt during your 20th week of pregnancy, but it could be even later than that. I was given many words of encouragement by other moms and my fear was validated. I felt the same support as I had after my losses, knowing that you aren’t alone in your walk or thoughts. What’s ironic is that same day I thought I may have felt her. I was sitting and I turned to my left and felt a weird spasm above my belly button. Whether or not that was her, I still do not know. Since then I think I may have felt her, but because of second guessing nature I am still unsure. I have felt bubbles and spasms and just last night I thought something rushed across my stomach from one side to the other. Most people would say yes that was most definitely her!

Being Pregnant three times at the age of 22 is something I never saw for myself. I never pictured loosing two babies when the first time around I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to be a mom. Now in my third pregnancy and experiencing things I never have is nerve racking to say the least. This was probably my first out of many more freak outs during the next 20 weeks (give or take) of pregnancy. I am about to hit the half way mark and see baby girl for the first time since she was only a tiny seahorse. Now she has all of her parts. I am very excited, but nervous going into this scan. I know that it is going to be miraculous and one of the most amazing things to see, I am nervous for the results in (double) checking a lot of the defects and syndromes that were tested for with blood draws. I find it kind of funny how that is apart of what I am focused on when I have never heard another Pregnant woman say anything about the testing, only the fact that they get to see every inch of their little one and how exciting it was. I have always been one to want the entire picture and not just a piece. I guess that is one of the reasons why I love story telling in writing.

Hitting 20 weeks of Pregnancy is also very significant to me because the day I was supposed to be 20 weeks with my second baby I was given hope from God through a fellow coworker of the promise of the baby I am carrying now. On that day I was told, “By this fall your arms will be full,” here I am almost 20 weeks and will be giving birth in the middle of fall. It is unreal how God makes these things happen.

Pregnancy after loss is never easy. It comes with a lot of fear and stress and guessing and wanting and impatience and I could go on and on. The important thing is to not let it get to the point of effecting your daily life. That isn’t healthy for anyone in the situation. Do whatever it is you need to do to settle the fear inside. Whether that is confiding in someone, sharing it publicly, calling your doctor, or praying to the God you believe in. I know I am not alone in my fears and I hope this first page in my Pregnancy after Loss diary helps you in not feeling alone.

I can be contacting through my socials linked and contacted via email as well. If you ever need to talk or vent about what you are feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (Contact page)